Treat her with the Best Company


proposal of Fatima

I recently attended a wedding, and as the rukhsati began (symbolically, when the wife leaves her parents house, to join her husband in her new home) I found the whole process emotional. This young woman was leaving the safety of her parents to join her husband. She prays he will treat her well, respect her, inspire her, and facilitate her. Her parents pray he will give her the care, concern, and love they did, and provide her with the opportunities they did not, and could not. She is leaving to join another family, with hopes they will treat her well, like their own. I’ve heard many stories, and it begins with managing expectations. Our expectations of each other should be respect, good treatment, and kindness. They can’t revolve around expecting another woman to fit within a mold that has been created for her.

I prayed for her, and I hoped she would be happy in her new home inshaAllah.

I turned around to my husband, and we discussed when I left my parents, and how some men and families don’t fully appreciate *everything* women leave behind. The security, the love, and ability to make mistakes, without feeling judged, or someone looking over their shoulder, especially if they live with their in-laws. For many, the only time they will experience empathy is when their own daughter leaves them, to begin her new life. He will miss the times she made tea for him countless times in a day, or how she would lovingly cook for him. He will miss the laughter, and reminisce the memories they shared together, as father and daughter.

A woman leaves so much behind, and this is one of the reasons the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) emphasised the importance of fulfilling the rights of your wife. The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said, “Treat people the way you would love to be treated, and do not treat them the way you would hate to be treated.” Al-Mu’jam al-Kabīr, 15833 (Sahih). When you bring someone in your home, she has to be given the utmost respect, as we would want our own daughters to be treated.

The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) further emphasised how interference can cause harm, and this applies when other individuals interfere in marriages, whether they are family or friends, he said: “From the perfection of a person’s Islam is his leaving alone what does not concern him.” Sunan al-Tirmidhî and Sunan Ibn Mâjah.

Finally, the union of marriage is a beautiful bond, and the Messenger of Allah as a father advised ‘Ali, his future son-in-law how important his role was when he asked for Fatima (may Allah be pleased with them), he (peace be upon him) said, “She is yours if you treat her with the best company.” Al-Mu’jam al-Kabīr, 3490 (Sahih).

-Written by Alima Ashfaq

Marriage Isn’t For You


By Seth Adam Smith  

http://sethadamsmith.com

wed couple
 
Having been married only a year and a half, I’ve recently come to the conclusion that marriage isn’t for me.
 
Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.
 
I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends for ten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. :) I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.
 
Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?
 
Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.
 
Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.
 
My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”
 
It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make her happy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.
 
My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.
 
No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
 
Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.
 
But instead of matching my selfishness, Kim did something beyond wonderful—she showed an outpouring of love. Laying aside all of the pain and aguish I had caused her, she lovingly took me in her arms and soothed my soul.
 
 
Marriage is about family.
 
 
I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.
 
To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.
 
And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.
 
Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.
 
This post originally appeared on ForwardWalking.com, a website dedicated to helping people move forward in life.

Love, Loyalty & Appreciation


Umar (radi Allahu ‘anhu) said to a man who was thinking of divorcing his wife:

“Why do you want to divorce her?” He said, “I do not love her.” ‘Umar said,

“Must every house be built on love? What about loyalty and appreciation?”

(Al-Bayan wa at-Tabayeen, 2/101]